I’m pondering joining someone else’s relationship so the inevitable demise will be made worse due to the amount of people involved. It’s simple maths.
The Mitchell-Corens are my favourite celebrity couple. She’s cool and beautiful and he’s wry and likes jigsaws, and they’re both wildly clever.
I read his autobiography; it made me weep. She wasn’t ready to commit to him, so he did the gentlemanly thing and pined for her. PINED. Who pines anymore? It’s gloriously 18th century.
I’ve tried pining, it mainly involves me penning bad poetry whilst lying down. It’s far easier to just throw oneself at some unsuspecting and hopefully welcoming stranger.
However, pine he did. Then eventually, when he won her heart and proposed, she answered “Of course”.
Of course she was always going to marry him. Of course it was always going to end like this. OF COURSE. After the pining, obviously.
And now they have a lovely daughter, Barbara, and from the one photo I’ve seen of them, they look normal and knackered and happy.
I think I’d be a great addition to their family. Me, Dave, Vicky and Babs. I could do crosswords and reenact my favourite Peepshow scenes with David. I could get Victoria to teach me poker and drink gin with her. She could tell me about the porno she made.
If you haven’t seen Vicky’s show, Only Connect, I’ll quote an ex boyfriend on it “I came for the boobs, but I stayed for the quiz”. It’s a cracking programme.
I’d also get to hang out with Giles Coren who is a fox. So Christmas would be good.
So, as an alternative to marrying Spencer Matthews, who I’m beginning to suspect is too much like me from the comments on The Jump; an attention seeker; mercurial; a risk taker; wouldn’t complain about taking two women out at once… I’m proposing the Coren-Mitchells let me join them.
We could be The Mitchell-Coren-Bundells and I’ll tell you now how it ends – with me running off with Robert Webb and his wife.